In the end... you have to do it for yourself
After a year of diminished support and funding. A reality check. Adult life lurks in the shades. A blow in the gut as squash2020 was tossed and a personal blow to one testicle after the other.
Motivation sank to an all time low.
¨
My 2 biggest financial supporters were struggling financially. They were there in heart as always, but sponsoring got difficult.
There were pebbles in the cogwheels with the other sponsors as well and a big mess with contracts. The contents and the delivery of it. My contract was cut in 2 with my biggest provider of squash gear, costing me more money than before to maintain my kit.
I caught myself complaining to myself about others working less and getting more. I saw the direct consequence of the lack of funds and my motivation sank because of this.
I was thinking of how to manage travelling to training. Getting around to hit with better players. Developing my game. Affording coached sessions. Playing PSAs.
When being undefeated in Norway for 4 straight years, you are far from the talent anymore. It comes with the game. The pressure of always delivering. And the fact that the crowd will always cheer for the other guy. The under dog.
This sounds petty and it is.
I was getting spoiled.
I had a great sponsorship deal, good funding from the federation and good friends and family in my back. When friends and family expected me to always win and sponsors and federation cut their sponsoring I found myself back at the start. Like a whiney little b***h I didnt feel like playing squash anymore. And to complete the circle I quit squash. I didnt play at all.
Being away felt good for a while. I could eat and drink what I wanted, needed less sleep, partied a lot. Had a lot of fun. Long story short. I found out that training and a healthy lifestyle is a part of my identity. Its who I am. An occational party is something I enjoy. But it cant get too much. In this phase I also saw what I enjoyed about squash. It was never about the winning (believe it or not). It was never about the money (obviously). I loved the fast paced game. I loved the competing. I loved improving and working towards a goal. I loved the travelling and seeing and experiencing squash events. I loved the physical element and the joy it brings. Squash is actually fun.
When I found the initial reason for me starting to play squash I saw how far I had drifted away from it. I was more busy with handling the pressure, complaining about other athletes or worrying about money and my ranking.
Seeing this I started fresh again. No one else to rely on. Play squash to have fun. Run your lungs out. Give it your all. Compete.
Theres no money to play squash every day so when you can, you have to enjoy it. I am actually lucky to be healthy and fit enough to play at all. Maybe I need to get my own gear, pay my own flights, but in the end, thats what normal people do isnt it?
Now I play squash when I want to. If I dont feel like it. I dont play. I am me and will never be an unfair player. Some want me to be more cynical on court. But its not me. When I get mad on court, I play like shit. I need to be happy. When I am happy, I play well.
In 1 month my nationals are coming up. This was always the worst tournament for me to play. But also the most important one. I still have a few demons to battle, but from now on I want to enjoy myself out there. Then the results will come.
I have to find within myself the reason for playing and competing. Its not in the amount of money, the number of cheerleaders behind my back or the trophys on the wall.
In the end... you have to do it for yourself..... and a little bit for the cheerleaders <3
After a year of diminished support and funding. A reality check. Adult life lurks in the shades. A blow in the gut as squash2020 was tossed and a personal blow to one testicle after the other.
Motivation sank to an all time low.
¨
My 2 biggest financial supporters were struggling financially. They were there in heart as always, but sponsoring got difficult.
There were pebbles in the cogwheels with the other sponsors as well and a big mess with contracts. The contents and the delivery of it. My contract was cut in 2 with my biggest provider of squash gear, costing me more money than before to maintain my kit.
I caught myself complaining to myself about others working less and getting more. I saw the direct consequence of the lack of funds and my motivation sank because of this.
I was thinking of how to manage travelling to training. Getting around to hit with better players. Developing my game. Affording coached sessions. Playing PSAs.
When being undefeated in Norway for 4 straight years, you are far from the talent anymore. It comes with the game. The pressure of always delivering. And the fact that the crowd will always cheer for the other guy. The under dog.
This sounds petty and it is.
I was getting spoiled.
I had a great sponsorship deal, good funding from the federation and good friends and family in my back. When friends and family expected me to always win and sponsors and federation cut their sponsoring I found myself back at the start. Like a whiney little b***h I didnt feel like playing squash anymore. And to complete the circle I quit squash. I didnt play at all.
Being away felt good for a while. I could eat and drink what I wanted, needed less sleep, partied a lot. Had a lot of fun. Long story short. I found out that training and a healthy lifestyle is a part of my identity. Its who I am. An occational party is something I enjoy. But it cant get too much. In this phase I also saw what I enjoyed about squash. It was never about the winning (believe it or not). It was never about the money (obviously). I loved the fast paced game. I loved the competing. I loved improving and working towards a goal. I loved the travelling and seeing and experiencing squash events. I loved the physical element and the joy it brings. Squash is actually fun.
When I found the initial reason for me starting to play squash I saw how far I had drifted away from it. I was more busy with handling the pressure, complaining about other athletes or worrying about money and my ranking.
Seeing this I started fresh again. No one else to rely on. Play squash to have fun. Run your lungs out. Give it your all. Compete.
Theres no money to play squash every day so when you can, you have to enjoy it. I am actually lucky to be healthy and fit enough to play at all. Maybe I need to get my own gear, pay my own flights, but in the end, thats what normal people do isnt it?
Now I play squash when I want to. If I dont feel like it. I dont play. I am me and will never be an unfair player. Some want me to be more cynical on court. But its not me. When I get mad on court, I play like shit. I need to be happy. When I am happy, I play well.
In 1 month my nationals are coming up. This was always the worst tournament for me to play. But also the most important one. I still have a few demons to battle, but from now on I want to enjoy myself out there. Then the results will come.
I have to find within myself the reason for playing and competing. Its not in the amount of money, the number of cheerleaders behind my back or the trophys on the wall.
In the end... you have to do it for yourself..... and a little bit for the cheerleaders <3
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