Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Painfully embarrassing personal encounters in the world of squash part 1

What you are about to witness are based on true stories

- The first time I played Aisling Blake, I grabbed her tit (I was reaching for the ball)

- The first time I trained with Geoff Hunt, I wanted to be nice to the old man and hit mostly floaters and high 3 wall boasts. After the session he said, you re playing well but your boasts are shit. Then we played another game and he knocked my front tooth out

- First time going out with Borja Golan he decides to jump out of the taxi on the highway and do the worm 3 times in between cars

- First time I met Peter Nicol, he was passed out drunk on a bean bag

- First time I met David Palmer (As previously mentioned) He was chasing me out of a toilet with my pants on my ankles

- First time going to the sauna with Wee Wern Low. It was a naked sauna. I didnt know. I was the only one in there with shorts on #awkwardcity

- First time I met Piedro Schweertman he had hair

- First time I met Peter Creed he was short

- First time I played Line Hansen I accidentally "swaffled" her (Have a dutchie translate)

- First time playing Sebastiaan Weenink he farted in the back left corner and played all balls in that corner for 2 rallies

- First time I met Shawn Delierre he tried to steal my girl

- First time I met Gilly Lane, he stole my girl

- First time meeting the Pilley brothers ended up in a 4am Shoarma party

- First time meeting Liz Irving I spent awkwardly long asking why she didnt have a husband

- First time meeting Nicol David we had a good hit and a nice chat

- First time I went out with Arthur Gaskin we chased the rainbow and found a pot o gold (A bar at the end of the road) (Where he btw sang "A whole lotta love" better than Led Zep themselves... or maybe thats the pot o gold speaking)

- First time I met Paul Coll I didnt undestand a single word he said. Probably because he just flew in from Krypton and didnt learn human language yet

- First debut for the national team I get both front teeth knocked out and a cut lip making me look like Bubba from Forrest Gump. Im toothless all week and the only person I meet by accident at the airport before getting them fixed is my 3 year high school crush.....

- My first international tournament I ended up taking a dump in the Czech Republic (s teams appartments mailbox)

- The first time I met Ramy Ashour he was wrestling his brother naked

- The first time I played Simon Rosner I took 1 point

- The first time I met Nicholas Muller I bought him a chocolate bar

- The first time I partied with Gregory Gaultier he stole my drink. Then he stole my girl. Then he stole my second drink. Then he stole my second girl (remember these are still true stories!!!!)

- The first time I met LJ was in a bar. The second time I met LJ was in a bar. The third time I met LJ was in a bar. Fourth time we met we had a hit. Then we went to the bar

- First time playing Peter Barker my best friend was watching (thinking I was the best player there was) After a severe loss, my friend bought all the drinks and meals that night feeling sorry for me losing to a club player. 6 months later he saw posters of Pete all around London and all of a sudden wanted those 7 beers back.

- First time I got refereed by John Massarella I did not find him through the match but I heard his voice

- First time I met Stewart Boswell he promised me dinner. He never made it.

- Last time I saw Adrian Grant he was standing in a suit watching 4 of us skinny dip in the mediterranean.....

- The first time I met Joe Lee I denied him access to his own hotel room

- First time I met Kashif Shuja I stole his girl


  1. this is quality stuff. please write a book!! or even better, a screenplay. the squash world needs to shake up it's squeaky clean image.

  2. What an entertaining read. Please continue in any form:) -- If you feel like it, that is of course:)

  3. thanks boys :) problem is that part 2 is too dirty for the public. Maybe if I fall off planet earth or possibly a part 1.5 in the making